Here’s an excerpt out of my journal:
"January 1st 2014,
"From the storm that was 2013 into the typhoon that is 2014”
I posted this as my status on facebook yesterday while reflecting on 2013. I know I should be looking for positive highlights and victories to mark the year, but I can’t help but be distracted by the losses that overshadowed them.
If I can be honest with everyone, I didn’t enjoy 2013.
From day one of last year, I had already come face to face with something I wasn’t prepared for. It was something I had to live with (literally) for months and encounter on a daily basis. Little did I know this would set the pattern for many defeats and losses throughout the year- attacks that hit a little too close to home and wounds that were inflicted too close to the heart.
- I watched one of my closest friends transform into someone I had never seen before. It’s the kind of transformation that takes place when we enter a dark place in our minds which no one has access to and dwell there. I cried out to God for his victory and for restoration, but it didn’t happen. I have learned that the gift of choice is one of the most dangerous things we could have ever received. No matter how diligent the prayer, every individual is given an ultimatum; to choose life or death. Blessings or cursing. Unfortunately, in the context of this particular situation, my friend chose death. I haven’t seen or spoken to him since.
- Divorce is an ugly thing, no matter the reason. It’s unnatural and was never a part of God’s design. I would learn this first hand and watch myself as well as my three siblings be affected by the separation in different ways. When a relationship you heavily depend on disintegrates, it does something to your psyche and your self-esteem. It causes you to see wholesome relationships as well as moralistic values with critical and skeptical lenses. My parents separation, something that I wrestled with for the duration of this last year, caused a great chasm between me and reality. I couldn’t help but watch my Dad look at what he had lost and hear the words, This will be YOU someday.
- We as humans are capable of anything, and I say that with both a positive and a negative connotation. I didn’t feel anything on the bart that night a week ago. I stared outside the window into my reflection with headphones in ear and felt absolutely nothing. I wasn’t just staring at my face in the reflection, but the great divide between me and everything I considered real. One of my most prized posessions would fall into that great divide, and I threw it in unreluctantly. (More on this for another day)
I ended my first day of the new year with my youngest sister, Amelia (who is 7 years old), with tears in her eyes and sippy cup in hand. She had just caught my mother kissing her boyfriend in the car outside and ran into the house crying. They’ve been together for a while now but I think this was the first time she saw any display of affection between and didn’t know how to process that. She was terrified. I asked her how she felt and we talked through those feelings. Sad. Mad. Dissappointed. I sealed our time with a long hug and wiped the tears from her eyes. She was a physical manifestation of what I had been feeling this whole time; Sad, mad and dissappointed. 2013 was a rude awakening and showed me just how unsympathetic life can be. It was a storm that shook everything that I thought had a solid foundation and revealed places that I never knew existed. Do I think 2014 will be any better? Actually, no. As a matter of fact, I think greater obstacles are headed our way, but if there’s one thing I learned tonight, it’s that I don’t have to go through them alone.
So this is to my darling Amelia, chin up kiddo. If there’s one thing about storms, it’s that even the greatest storm has an eye. We’ll get there, together.”